Ever been to a Rage Room? GO!! For my birthday this year this is what I wanted to do alongside a spa trip. Yep, you read that right. January consisted of a relaxing 2 days in a spa with swimming, massages and AMAZING food. Then 2 weeks later my brother and I went to a rage room. The place itself was a little sketchy, but the experience was just what the doctor ordered! We had 2 rooms. I can’t remember if it was an hour or 30 minutes altogether, but the time went so quickly. We had overalls provided to us. The first rooms consisted of smashing glass and plastic bottles with bats and hammers. I actually felt uneasy due to the flying glass going everywhere. So found it hard to let go and relax. I did smash the bottles but couldn’t actually fully enjoy that room or relax. I was also tiptoeing around and conscious of my thin trainers in the room with glass on the floor. My brother loved it – ha-ha. Second room was much better. We had bats and hammers again and really old school office equi

So, I was watching a film (some rom com), and there was conversation about opening up a can of worms/ pandoras box, but the lady in the movie was too scared incase of what she might find, It got me thinking of the concept of this internal box… So let me remind a little… I have been having thoughts about what would happen if instead of being in flight and flight, instead of letting anxiety rule most of my life most of the time, I slowly, gradually, wholeheartedly invested in myself? No, if’s, no buts, no what ifs? No safety nets incase external influences I have experienced in my life telling me I’m rubbish, can’t do shite, I haven’t grasped something, I ain’t got what it takes, I need thicker skin, I’m too sensitive for ‘this’ industry etc were there to chop my legs of to hold me back? Or trigger and confirm my rejection sensitivity disorder into thinking, that I am in fact, not good enough, and never will be? What would happen if I actually said yes to believing in myself, for ME? Sl

So I created this piece in the midst of uncertainties. I was in a job where I felt undervalued and needed to shrink to fit in (putting that politely!). I was going through a skin cancer scare (I’m fine) and wanted to understand what my future looked like regarding kids so went to an IVF clinic to see what my options were – this was bleak (it ain’t happening). Which, even now I’m still in two minds about – being told I can’t do/ have something makes me want to rebel. If I’m really, really honest with myself, since having all these diagnoses, and realising how debilitating they can be, how unbelievably low I can get and the fact I am a single woman by choice; reflecting on having children on the past few years, its dawned on me what that could actually entail. The financial, mental, emotional, psychological and physical implications that has. Plus, the world in the state it is, is grim! With being single, I find dating/ finding a genuine connection with men difficult due to my rejection

Well, how did I get here? That's what I am currently wondering? It feels like I entered a rabbit hole with this blog and not sure what to make of it, or how it will end up. Not only because I have very vague plans other than to chuck my thoughts down like I used to on master’s which actually helped keep me sane (became a 'dear me' diary, but also, due to my neurodivergence (dyslexia, dyspraxia and ADHD) my spelling and grammar is going to be highly entertaining! Anyway, what am I doing here? I wanted to change up this site from a service platform, which I’m no longer providing at the moment due to being in full time employment into another space. A friend of mine gave me an idea of showcasing my artwork, which was quite clever (thanks Holz). I thought about a blog to just chat to myself ( a form of expression, play and communication) and whoever would land here about art and other reflections that may come up? Make sense? Another friend and coach then gave me a nudge into this vision