So I created this piece in the midst of uncertainties.

I was in a job where I felt undervalued and needed to shrink to fit in (putting that politely!). I was going through a skin cancer scare (I’m fine) and wanted to understand what my future looked like regarding kids so went to an IVF clinic to see what my options were – this was bleak (it ain’t happening). Which, even now I’m still in two minds about – being told I can’t do/ have something makes me want to rebel.

If I’m really, really honest with myself, since having all these diagnoses, and realising how debilitating they can be, how unbelievably low I can get and the fact I am a single woman by choice; reflecting on having children on the past few years, its dawned on me what that could actually entail. The financial, mental, emotional, psychological and physical implications that has. Plus, the world in the state it is, is grim! With being single, I find dating/ finding a genuine connection with men difficult due to my rejection sensitivity disorder and lived experiences…(ill put my hands up – I find trusting men and navigating ADHD difficult!)

For the last…I don’t know how long, I have been on dating sites and what I have found over the years, especially now, is that men have been hung up on how ‘feminine’ a woman is or should be (not all men but 99%). This is mostly what I was asked “Are you submissive?” Are you feminine?”, “Can you cook?”, “How many bodies have you wracked up?”, “ You come across argumentative, which ain’t feminine”, “you have too many opinions which ain’t feminine”, “ as a female you shouldn’t do this and that with YOUR body/ you shouldn’t behave in this way”. To me it’s become a cesspit, one that at my age in life I don’t really want to entertain anymore. I’m absolutely done with the Andrew Tate’s and Trump’s of the world. If that means living my life alone, on my own terms, single and childless, it actually sounds like a drama free dream.

So yeh, back to the painting. I was exploring what being a woman meant to me. Exploring all these pressures and projections of what I ‘ought’ to be, what ‘feminine’ ‘should’ be and what I, as a woman want it to be, for me, as I am a woman, not living for a mans gaze or for society but for me. Not able to have children. Going through health stuff where I don’t feel ‘feminine’ all the time. I am very opinionated and bold. What does this mean for me? I am angry, I am frustrated and sad and also very happy and powerful and want freedom to be me what ever that looks like in any stage of my life.